Hey y’all. I don’t know what’s happened this morning. I guess there really is a crack in everything and that is how light gets in… this post isn’t about fashion or informing you on the next place to spend your dollars to make them count. This one is a bit deeper, transparent, and I’m just going to hit “publish” at the end. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. 😉
Have you ever gone searching for mementos (not the candy, although they ARE good)? But you know what I mean… you just get this thing… this longing to go looking through old love notes or cards to be reminded of something that you feel like you’ve lost? You just want to rekindle those feelings (which I often rely to heavily upon).
I can read The Bible and be reminded of God’s love, His compassion, His mercy… I can even share my now old, as in “past,” infertility testimony and I do get that swell of emotion at His faithfulness. But, if I’m being honest, sometimes, those things just don’t really cut it. They don’t make you excited about the season you’re in (usually that’s a pretty stinky season). I haven’t especially enjoyed this one I’ve been in. It’s been hard. It feels like I am constantly reminded that I’m in this maturing stage. The one where you don’t see the crazy (super)natural growth happening. The one where you have to ACTIVELY CHOOSE joy/love/hope/perseverance. I want it to just come without any cost to me: It always has in the past. But it seems these mid-30’s, or just this part of my faith walk, are not being too kind. They are requiring more of me than I’ve had to pay before. Things are shifting and changing and never have I felt more the words of Robert Frost “Two roads diverged in a wood…” AND I HAVE TO CHOOSE WHICH ROAD TO TRAVEL!!
I got a sweet reminder today from a friend who saw something I wrote in 2013, which wasn’t that long ago chronologically, but feels like an eternity ago in every other way. Again, if I’m being honest, it feels like I’ve back tracked. It’s like I was reading a book, laid it down right as it was getting good, and lost my place. I’ve tried picking it back up but nothing’s making sense. I almost can’t even remember the plot line for Pete’s sake! Has that happened to you?? Then, it’s like, you either write the whole book off and say “oh well… maybe someday I’ll start over and then I’ll finish it.” But often, it seems, you never do.
The problem is that book that I laid aside? It’s MY LIFE. With all the dog eared pages, and the parts that I want to read over and over (and sometimes over) again because they’re just SO GOOD. And I’ve kind of cast it aside (I do this so often in my every day life. I seriously have multiple books hanging on the sides of couches and chairs throughout our home). It’s like I’ve left it open to the page I was last reading, and then I checked out. I got distracted… tired… scared. I may call it guarding my heart or guarding my time or whatever but this morning it looks like I just got lazy. Like I counted the cost and said “meh… I’ll just stop reading right here. I’ll pick up another book and start that. Maybe someday I’ll come back and finish this one. It’s getting good, but I’m scared of what’s going to happen to the main characters!! I’m not sure if this ends the way I’d write it! So maybe I won’t finish it and in MY head, it’ll go as I wish.”
Wow. This is so off topic for what y’all usually come here to this blog for… As I mentioned when I sat down, I can’t explain why I’m “going there” today in this blog post. That reminder from my sweet friend from 2013 really got some things stirred up. I’ve been wrestling for a while believing that, in the end, I would come out on top, but not being willing to surrender. I think the greatest (seeming) oxymoron of following Jesus is that sometimes you have to lose, to gain. May I be a humble “loser” (which really means winner). May I, today, decide to be one who gives over the pen to the Author of Life, picks that book back up and finds my place. And my prayer be “Take my life and let it be, consecrated Lord to Thee…”
If you too, are feeling this way, join me! I need accountability partners!
(here is my original memento that got me going today… Oh to live as “Haiti Brandi”)